I have blogged only sporadically since the beginning of this year and haven’t written anything in over a month.
I could say it’s because I have been busy – it wouldn’t be a lie – but it wouldn’t be entirely true. The honest reason is that, for a while, I lost my desire to share my life with the outside world.
So far, 2018 has been a year of change and uncertainty. It started with the rejection of my visa application at the very end of last year and hasn’t really stopped since… It left me feeling vulnerable and unwilling to expose my fragility to strangers and friends alike. I wanted to soak in the changes and process them on my own, away from prying eyes. Even when I felt like writing, knowing that I was cyberstalked by Edward’s ex-wife often stopped me.
I don’t want to go too deep on this subject – she really doesn’t deserve that much attention – but since it’s one of the main reasons why I have kept quiet on here and been less authentic in my content, I thought it was important to mention it. Having someone analyse everything you share, mock you on social media and go as far as to diagnose you with supposed mental health problems (because we have similar interests, big deal) can wreck your confidence and temper your eagerness to post online.
But I’m done censoring myself to spare her feelings, protect my husband or avoid being cowardly laughed at by someone I’ve never even met.
I started blogging all those years ago to practise my language skills and share updates as I checked items off my ’25 before 25′ bucket list. I had no idea at the time that my little blog would reach hundreds of people and that I would connect with so many of them, building solid friendships along the way.
By holding myself back in my writing (and by not engaging much), I involuntarily weakened some of those connections and it saddens me. I used to enjoy being part of the blogging community.
I think the key to strong relationships – in real life or within the blogosphere – is a certain amount of vulnerability. So I want to let go of fear and start writing freely again.
A lot has happened since January (I got married and became a business owner, just to name a few things) and I have a dozen drafts waiting to be edited and published in a somewhat ‘near’ future. I’ll probably never be one of those bloggers who write something new every week and schedule posts in advance because I’m honestly the slowest and most disorganised writer out there – thanks, ADHD! – but I’ll do my best.
Until then, I have some catching up to do to get through all the posts I saved to read ‘later’…